Mop-Up RAW 10.30.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
I sent your column (Hart Pounding Commentary) in the mail yesterday to scherer, because I think it is a great column, but I didnt say who wrote it. I got him to respond, and he said it WAS A GREAT, WELL-WRITTEN, article. Then I told him it was you who wrote it, and I got no response......another one for the good guys
Skyrome@aol.com
Of course, of course
And I am Chris... and this is the Mop-Up... and weird things are happening this week that you don't actually NEED to know about... but you certainly CAN know about, all by reading along.
First and foremost... I did the Edge radio show (unless something went wrong) last night (or later today, if I get this out in time) Soooo head on over to The Edge and listen to what happened.
Apparently, my spot is one of the most anticipated guest shots ever. What? Scott Keith doesn't light the net radio scene up? What? SCAIA ISN'T AS THRILLING AS HE THINKS HE IS?
But I thought I SUCKED now? What GIVES?
And I LOVE how EVERYBODY has to QUALIFY things when it comes to me... a man who can legitimately lay claim to being one of the most controversial wrestling writers on the internet... what is this "lay claim" bullshit? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY I AM THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL DOUCHEBAG AROUND AND LEAVE IT AT THAT??? Jesus... why is everything such a STRUGGLE? First, a birth defect makes my tailbone poop out after an hour of sitting, and now this.
I e-mailed Ashish and asked him to plug the appearance... he's a good guy, so it'll probably happen. But in case he forgets... YO, STONE9COLD... I KNOW I AIN'T AS COOL AS CHRIS WILLIAMS WAS, BUT I'M TRYING TO HELP THE SITE!!!
By the way, I am fully prepared for an ambush by the radio hosts... I know one of them has called me "Rasputin", an "official piece of shit", and a "pigf**ker"... he also tried (miserably) to burn me in a little internet article back during my ScoopThis days. I would have commented on it then... but barely anyone read it and only two people even saw fit to tell me about it. The other one is Zack Arnold... he mostly has a hardon for Jap wrestling... so you probably never read his stuff. We'll see... like I said... I'm ready.
Funny, I had a brief scare this morning (Tuesday... 3:30 am) when all of Rhode Island lost it's MSN server. Just as I was about to bitch about how the curse of the ol' Hyatte luck is swinging and a vengeful God is making me pay for announcing that he blows Goats and Donkey penises... (which, he DOES... I mean... God can do ANYTHING, right?)... it popped back up by 6:30 am. Speaking of the Big Man...
2 fast plugs then I introduce you to him. This week's And Another Thing is a look at the two men who call themselves "The People's Champ". Who deserves the name and why? Read it here and find out.
This week's closer is what the READERS would like to see happen to Mark Madden's Mother, as we count the days to WCW's eventual sale... and to Madden's (hopefully) eventually dismissal... and if not... F-it... burning Mark's Mom has become a VERY popular running gag here, and it's been a while since I had something new like that... so keep him around so I can milk this for a few more years.
BUT... look, the material in the closer is STRONG... VERY strong. I tried to clean it up as much as I could without taking the tone away, but it's still VERY adult oriented. If this kind of stuff gets you uncomfortable (Melissa... this means YOU, punkin!), please skip this week's outing. AND FOR RAYSAKES... NEITHER 411 OR UGO SUPPORT, CONDONE, OR APPROVE OF THIS!! IN FACT, IF THEY WANT TO EDIT THE WHOLE MAGILLA OUT... I GIVE THEM PERMISSION!!!
Man, I hope those html tags Widro showed me how to use last week work this time around...
Okay, this might take a moment to explain. As most of you remember, I've been running a contest where the winner gets to be God for an entire Mop-Up. Over the weeks, I've winnowed down the finalists until last week, where there were TWO left... a guy and a girl...
Or so I thought...
See, there was something unusual going on between my two finalists... during the round where I asked the remaining players to guess how many Mop-Ups there were, the girl quickly guessed the proper number... I wrote back, told her she won, and congratulated her. She wrote back and said that she had a "funny feeling someone else would pick the number"... just a few hours later, the guy wrote in and guessed 140.
I was... curious... something was up.
So, last week.. I did the "Pick a Number from 1-10" thing. Barely two hours or so after I posted it, the girl e-mailed the number 8. Just to see what would happen, I wrote back and told her that the answer was "two". Also as an experiment, I told her that the guy she was up against was a dick and I didn't want him to win.
So, she wrote back and guessed two, hinting that she hoped the guy wouldn't guess two... or I'd have to slit my wrists, as I said I would.
The guy wrote a few MINUTES later and guessed two.
I was suckered. They tried to sucker me. But he got too careless and I BUSTED him!
I assumed that they were the same person, just F-ing with me. At first, he denied knowing anything about what I was talking about, but eventually said that he knew the girl and gave her a "heavily edited" version of my column to read... (which, by the way, is another asshole stunt... if she can't take the content... THEN DON'T GIVE IT TO HER... I left SCOOPS because of this... I don't WANT F-ING GODDDAM ANYONE EDITING MY COLUMN TO SOMETHING THEY THINK IS PRESENTABLE!!! nevermindthegirlfriendthing) He said that they were two separate individuals who just worked together on this. She wrote in too and swore they were two people.
This is all fine and well, but how can I trust them? I can't. Plus, I do games like this because I TRUST the readers to be honorable and play fair... I would like to think that the readers trust me and I trust them right back... so I can feel comfortable with screwy interactive games like this that help make this column more than just a gay recap. I'm sure both (or just the one) person worked hard on the movies and song re-words... but in the end, they either helped each other out to F-with me or it was one guy posing as a girl (The First Online Transvestite?) just to show me up. Either way... I caught THEM (him) before THEY (he) could complete the headf**k and come forward.
So, both Johnny Betts and Stephanie Hanus are DISQUALIFIED... AND HYATTE PROVES JUST A LITTLE SMARTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE... YET AGAIN!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU MORONS??? I AM ALWAYS ON MY GUARD!!!
Thus, going back to the "# of Mop-Ups" round... I have no choice but to award the title to the man who came closest to the number of columns, but was just over by 1. So, the grand winner of the "Hyatte's God" Contest... and the man who ignored my clue by guessing an ODD number even after I made it clear that the number was EVEN... who guessed 141 Mop-Ups instead of 140.... RAY REASONER!!!!! FOR THIS WEEK, RAY REASONER IS GOD!!!!
So... off we go. Off for a little crazy recapping excitement. No, there will be NO Halloween Edition of the Mop-Up... NO themed humor... nothing like that... Reasoner knows how lame those things always turn out to be. All I WILL remind you of is that before you step out for that all important Halloween Egging, (aim a few at the house of a Girl who burned you in the past... come on... strike a blow for disgruntled males EVERYWHERE!!) is that there is NOTHING... and I mean NOTHING more enjoyable in life than watching the look on the grocery cashier's face when you walk up to her counter on Halloween night with nothing but a bag of apples and a pack of razor blades. Do it in a few different stores and marvel at the various degrees of sheer horror that a face can make.
And don't forget... just because you're too old to go trick or treating does NOT mean who can't run up behind a few of these kids and swipe their loaded candy bags right out of their chubby hands... just be sure to haul ass fast... because while those whining brats can't do anything... their fathers can, and they might own a gun. Hell, last year I snagged 5 HUGE bags of candy from these little peckers... AND I violated their Mommas in front of them too. Ray DAMN... that was a good haul.
RAW IS WAR (or: Belt, shmelt... you're still jobbing, biaatch)
-opens with a slo/mo/funky/MTV/alltherage video package from last week which shows that this whole Austin/Rikishi thing won't just be week after week of Austin tuning on Fatso... oh no... 'Kishi gets some in TOO!!!
-ain't no way Austin's eating sphincter tho'... not while Jim Ross has half a face left by Reasoner!
-opening theme... STILL no sign of Tazz, Raven, or Stevie Richards. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! HOW DARE THEY TREAT ECW STARS LIKE SO MUCH DOODY!!!!!!
-oh... wait... there's Tazz... and the Dudley's, of course... but NO RAVEN AND NO RICHARDS!!!!! MY RAY... VINCE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THE HOM....
-oh... wait... Patterson... gainfully employed for decades... Brooklyn Brawler... no cause for outrage...
-WHAT'S MCMAHON'S PROBLEM WITH THE JEWS??????
-oh... wait... I save that stuff for the Nitro recap... um... err... WHAT ABOUT RAVEN??? WHY VINCE? WHY?
-off to a flying start
-They are at Boston, MasaChoosits. Named after a Plantation owner.. named "Choo"... who had no legs... so he sat... around... alot... oh man.
-OR... named after a Jap named "Masa"... who liked to pick his zits and chew on them?
-OR... coined after a Priest who sneezed while telling his Flock to take a seat?
-heh... kindaliked thatonem'self...heh
-They are at the Fleet Center... named after the "fleet" of people who left the Celtics high and dry after Larry Bird retired. You couldn't fill the Fleet Center for a Celtic game even if they offered free b-jobs from Red Aubach, (take out his dentures, and you're sitting pretty)
-Jim Ross... the FIRST REASONERDAM THING HE SAYS... "IT COULD BE... THE BIGGEST NIGHT... IN WWF RAW... HISTORY!!!!" (F-man... it took me YEARS to train Schiavone... I JUST DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO TEACH ROSS HOW NOT TO CARRY ON LIKE A DOUCHEBAG!!!!)
-The fans at "WWF New York" are RED HOT!!! (you would be too if you noticed that tonight's special was, "Yokozuna Buttsteaks"... Reasoner Christ Allmighty... serving the fans... even from beyond... Yoko is a true PRO!!)
-wait... I'm getting a message from my dead Mother... hang on... yeah Ma? I hear you! Ahh shaddup you bitch... just report the news. I know, I know... yeah, maybe I will strangle her... only if you will SHUTUPANDREPORTTHENEWS!!
-okay... Ma just said that Yoko and Owen defeated Pillman and Rude to become the Heaven Tag Team Champions. Kerry and David Von Erich are all set for the big "Pearly Gates Cage match" PPV match against the pair. THANKS MA!!! TELL THEM WE STILL LOVE THEM!!!
-How SOME of those Cats got outta Hell... I'll never know
-speaking of which... who did my Mom blow in order to get into Heaven?
-Gordon Solie is in HELL... it's his own fault... apparantly, the word "suplay" means "Reasoner was a Bone Smuggler" in Aramic... and seeing how many times Gordo SAID that word.
-DAMMIT SOLIE... YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ETERNAL BLISS IF YOU ONLY SMARTENED UP AND SAID IT RIGHT!!! IT'S "SUPLEX" DAMMIT... "SUPLEXSUPLEXSUPLEX!!!"
-okay, have I offended ALL of you yet?
-We see the cage, dangling over the ring. I decide to hold my breath until Ross uses the word "ominous" to describe it. This lasts all of 17 seconds before I have to quit.
-Ross runs down a couple of the big deals tonight.
-Then Chyna comes out. Still letting that forehead bounce the light back into our faces. Raysus girl, BANGS!!!! THEY'RE CALLED BANGS!!!! GIVE THEM A TRY!!!!
-She fires off her mini-mortar. I start wondering if I can shoot it off in a certain female... area... could I make the back of her throat glow?
-Chyna hits the ring. Ross chasticed us for missing her "Diaries" thing on MTV... and announced that they will re-run it later this week. (Dude... it's MTV... they re-ran all 12 of that pitiful "The Jenny McCarthy Show" almost every night for three years... I think we'll be able to catch the damn thing)
-It's an "inside look at Chyna"... man, they will stop at NOTHING to prove her gender.
-She has a mic and says that there is something she would like to show all of us... we bid farewell to ANY sort of hidden innuendo thanks to Lawler, who is REALLY too damn old to be so horny all the time.
-Then she has them roll footage from Heat where the Kat goes back to her Chyna Jr phase and gets a little Eddie in her mouth. (his TONGUE... you degenerates)
-cut back to Chyna. Lawler acts like he KNOWS DAMN WELL half the audience was listening for any hint of jealousy in his voice.
-Chyna tells Eddie that the angle is OVER and she doesn't have to badly pretend that she could even stand the muchacho anymore. (Honestly, I've sodomized corpses who acted more into it than she ever did with him)
-of course, this being Rasslin' and she being a serious athlete... she challenged Eddie to an Inter-Continental title shot RIGHT THERE... RIGHT NOW!!!!! (ooo, if only MY exes would challenge ME to a fight... oo... I'd... I'd...take them and... and... smash... pummel... scar... comeonyoubitcheschallengemeonetimepleaseohpleaseohpleasefortheloveofRay)
-in case you're wondering... she only SKIMMED last week's column. I think she'll flat out skip it this week. We're covered... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA Serves her right for trusting me!!
-Eddie came out with a handful of roses... alas... t'was not for Mz Juicehead as...
-The Kat came out as Eddie's new love... yes, that's right... NOT ONLY DID THEY SIGN ERNEST MILLER, BUT THEY BOOKED HIM AS EDDIE'S GAY, BLACK, LIFEMATE!!!! MY RAY IN HEAVEN... THE WWF HAS GONE TOO FAR!!!!!
-Of course not... it was the OTHER Kat... Lawler's wife. Dressed as Chyna Jr. With a wig that looked fresh out of a Janitor's Bucket.
-Eddie hit the ring and started to protest when the Ref took his title away so the match could begin. Chyna attacked.
-Chyna with a NICE NECKBREAKER!!!!!!!!! (the Hell is wrong with me?)
-Chyna tossed outside and the Kat kicks away. Lawler pretends that... oh who cares.
-Chyna backflips out of a Jermaine Jackson Suplex and clumsily hits one of her own.
-Chyna with the handspringy elbow thingy, followed by a lumbering DDT.
-The Kat pops in. Chyna toses her in. Chyna Gorilla slams her into Eddie. Lawler grows silent, (bet'cha he's popping old wood NOW!!!!)
-Steven Richards runs in Superkicks Chyna right in the titty... get's his foot stuck in there... wrenches his knee trying to yank out... and is goes on the DL for another 18 months. (Man, and you thought Ahmed was bad)
-Eddie pins Chyna and wins.
-Billy Gunn with his hair freshly shorn (no doubt thanks to my comments last week about how dorky he looks with such a thick crop of black supporting all that blonde hair. By RAY, I MAY BE THE CENTER OF THE WRESTLING UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!) runs in and chases Eddie away, than cradles Chyna in his arms. We are reminded for the upteenth time that they are JUST FRIENDS AND THEIRS IS A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON PURE RESPECT!!!!! (didn't Britney and Justin use that line for the longest time too?)
-a looong black limousine pulls up. Out comes Kurt Angle, Edge, and Christian. We are informed that A: All three have the night off, B: Tonight is Edge's birthday, and C: Apparently, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure has finally reached Canadian movie theaters.
-StephanieMcMahon pops out of the car too. She's very sick. Must be food poisoning. Man, nothing worse than bad meat in the can.
-commercials. Mick Foley and Jerry Lawler have collaborated on a new Reasonermas book for the kids. Apparently, Santa Jack is thrown off a Chimney top and falls five stories to the pavement in front of Ms. Jack and their sobbing kids. Will she let him keep taking those insane falls down billions and billions of chimneys or will X-Mas be permanently discontinued? And why are all the elves big tittied girls who keep chanting "Lawler rules, Lawler rules?"
-We see that the XFL had their draft and Lex Luger is NOWHERE to be found... My Reasoner... does it have a shot at succeeding where the IBF failed!
-Al Snow tries to bribe Lawler into helping him fight Tazz and Raven with a platter filled with candy.
-The RTC comes out in FULL FORCE minus Val Venis, who is undoubtedly out back, banging his head against the wall and sobbing, "I used to be so OVER, dammit!!"
-Ivory had the mic and talked about how much responsibility it takes to be role models to the kids these days. (Damn Generation Y... PUNKS!!!!)
-Did I mention the sign that read, "POKE SMOT" that I saw earlier in the show? No? Well it was there, and it was GNARLY, DUDE!!! (see kids! I'm down!)
-Ivory called Lita "cheap" and her apparel "appalling".. and how she sticks her underwear over her waist which tells the kids that women are objects... and how that cannot be tolerated... and how we should all be ashamed of ourselves... (well come on... you chicks actually take our things in your mouths... DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE WHERE WE PUT THOSE THINGS WHEN NOBODY IS LOOKING???????)
-Lita and the Kidz come out. MANOLIVE... that's one cute bitch.
-Lita ain't half bad either.
-It's Lita and the Boyz against Ivory and the boys. uess who stayed outside the ring... AGAIN. (does he EVER work? Raymond H... even Hogan had a better work rate)
-Obviously, the GF was only fun when he was the GF and not the GF (oh, you know)... and Bull was never fun... sooooo
-GF did hit Lita off the ring, then gave the... err... "Mormon Train" (?) to one of them, but missed.
-Triple Chain DDT by the youngsters.
-Eventually, Richards stepped in and kicked Lita... the rest is obvious.
-Notice that Ross damn near CHOKES ON HIS OWN OUTRAGE whenever the Heels score a treacherous win... but does he ever pipe up and say something to the Ref?? NOOoooo...
-Backstage, Angle, Edge, and Christi... Reasonerian... are wearing Birthday hats while watching the show on the monitor... (Dear Ray... it IS the 80's all over again!). Reasonerian (oy... I'll be glad when this gimmick is done) gives Edge a couple of presents... Edge shreds them... it's a shirt and a "Rocky Bendy" so he can stick something up his own ass.
-Meanwhile, Angle tends to Stephanie... who is still ailing. HHH strolls in and snarls at the three (and gets a mighty big pop for his troubles). HHH tells the wife that she should be home recovering from her "Flu"... (WWF Code for "Gonorrhea of the Mouth"... it's a sick, sick business, people)
-oh I'm just JOKING... and it's merely my testimony to the wonderful ACTING skills of young Stephanie. I am thororughly convinced she... she... oh as if sucking up will score me and backstage passes NOW...
-Steph runs to throw up... we run off to some...
-commercials. Jim Carrey is The Grinch. Perfect casting... seeing how Carrey is Canadian and Canadians ABHOR Chri... Reasonermas.
-For the past two years, I have been subjected to a local TV ad during RAW at least 4 times a night featuring an old blonde with the ugliest face pitching a used car dealership... welcome to a secret glimpse into the Hell that is my Monday nights.
-Rikishi orders Tony Garea to go find the Rock and tell him to come see Rikishi or else Rikishi will go FIND him... and visibly frightened Garea walked away muttering, "I've jobbed out to chunks of stool tougher than this loser!"
-BIG OLD SCHOOL QUIZ!!! Garea, in the 70's... to Sammartino... in regards to sonmeone who just ambushed him... "DO ME ONE FAVOR... TONIGHT, BREAK EVERY DAMN BONE IN HIS BODY!!!" Whom was he referring to? The winner gets Amanda's ICQ # and a free cyber b-job from her.
-Steven Regal comes to the ring in a full suit. COME ON, YOU BASTARD!!! CALL SOMEONE "SUNSHINE"!!
-His trip was that he had a problem with the Bostonians for that whole "Boston Tea Party" thing from 200 years back. Regal said that if their ancestors had problems with the King George's tea taxes... they should have lodged a complaint with Parliament and NOT dressed up as natives and thrown the perfectly good tea into the harbor.
-"That's GHASTLY"!!
-Regal also noticed that Boston hasn't been behaving in general... so he has prepared a list of 120 things that Bostonians can do to improve themselves... (might I suggest... learn to pronounce the letter "R" at the end of words that end in "R"?? DO YOU KNOW HOW RETARDED YOU SOUND???)
-1) Use a napkin when eating Chowder and Beans. (Whoooa Hop-A-Long, that's like asking Bob Ryder to grow hair... some things are just impossible)
-2) Regal realizes that Boston is bitter that the Red Sox haven't won a ball game since the Woodrow Wilson Presidency... (HA!!! Lee Harvey Oswald laughs at Bill Buckner), but that is no reason to take it out on everyone else.
-3) To all Stewardesses who live in Boston. Should a passenger of British descent feel the need to crap on the dining cart and pee in your mouth... do NOT make the pilot make an emergency stop on the nearest patch of grass... instead, just ride it out knowing fuill well that he'll eventually pass out and peacefully sleep off the rest of the trip. Jesus Reasoner, ladies... you almost cost him his JOB!!!
-At which point, the Undertaker rode out and made his DRAMATIC RETURN... which he now seems to do every 3 months lately.
-Hey, Regal rocks and all... but fer God's... WHOOPS... I mean RAY'S SAKE... UT ain't gonna sell a European Undercut today, tomorrow, or 5 years from now.
-Regal went on a Last Ride. The REAL mystery is... did he just happen to see Goldberg wearing a winter skullcap earlier on Nitro and think, "Damn, that's a good look!"?
-UT grabbed a mic and told Regal that he "talks funny"... (Isn't this the same guy who once rambled on about how TBS proved his worth by wearing a jacket made out of someone's flesh in the desert a year ago?)
-Either UT's gotten fat or the bike's a piece of shit... because that thing barely was able to wheeze it's way up the ramp (think: any Wrestleline Writer walking up a flight of stairs)
-Backstage, Rikishi barges in on the Rock, who was on his cell phone. 'Kishi demands to know why the Rock didn't come when called. Rocky was all "stay outta m'face, bitch!" 'Kishi demands to know if Rocky will watch his back against Austin tonight. Rocky said he would and walked. 'Kishi muttered something about favors and owsies. I would say more but my Bird is on my shoulder and trying to mate with my ear... I kind of like it.
-HEY!!... My Bird is a Macaw named Jake... and if you see Beyond the Mat, you'll see Koko B. Ware's bird. Well, Jake looks EXACTLY like that, same colors.
-commercials
-Earlier today... comedic, clean, family fun with Crash and T&A.; High point was when Test called Crash "Max-Mini" who wasn't fooling anyone by not wearing his mask.
-Test walks out with the babe.
-Crash walked out with a stop sign and a trash can. This was a hardcore match.
-Crash threw the can into the ring. test caught it and threw it back at him. It bonked him on the head. Crash went down. Test hopped out and beat him up the side of the ramp.
-We see Steve Blackman watching this with seriousness
-back to the ring, Trish climbed up to the apron and tried to grab the trash lid out of Crash's hand. Both jerked the lid back and forth rapidly back and forth from each other... boy o BOY... if there was EVER a visual metaphor for my entire sexual life... that was it.
-Test inadvertently knocked Trish down. Crash nailed him and went for the pin. Test kicked out.
- Ross teased an appearance by Adam Sandler on "Smackdown" this Thursday. Meanwhile, opoor Bob Ueker is on FOODSTAMPS!!!!!! THE UEK HAS TO BUY GOVERNMENT CHEESE!!!!! WHY WON'T VINCE THROW POOR BOB A BONE??? FOR THE LOVE OF REASONER!!!!
-Test jammed the trash can into Crash and hit a flying elbow AND a Kendo Stick on it. Well, read this backwards and... no.. that won't work either...
-Test won, okay... Ray... you people.
-Test should be fighting for the IC belt. What is this going-nowhere tag team nonsense?
-Backstage, Steph is still sick. Angle encourages her to go home. She refuses. E & R (heh, did he actually VOLUNTEER to recap "Thunder"? Why didn't they just give it to "Chronically Sore Tushy Man"? Can I BE vague enough?) play their theme song on kazoos... then play HHH's song. HHH threw them out of the dressing room. Funny stuff.
-Austin was THERE... and he'll be TALKING... right after these...
-commercials
-Michael Cole tries to talk to "Stone Cold"... but first we got to see...
-Smackdown footage where some "mystery man" hit Austin with a wrench. A-hem... "Wrench"... "Monkey"... "Monkey Wrench"... "Monkey Urine"... connect the dots and the culprit becames OBVIOUS!!!
-That's right... it's DAVE GROHL OF THE FOO FIGHTERS!!!! HE MUST BLAME AUSTIN FOR KILLING KURT COBAIN!!!!!!!!!
-Austin got on the stic and told Cole that he ain't quite ready to hand the company over to the Rock just yet, so expect NO JOBBING!!!!!
-Backstage, Steph damn nears pukes on Kurt and HHH. Both men finally talk her into going home. She says that she'll bail after the cage match.
-Speaking of which, they are lowering the thing. Dig on that suspenseful music they always to dramatize the cage's ominous descent. Why, if the voice of my Mother wasn't constantly in my head... incessantly nagging at me to... do things... I might actually... actually...
-WILL YOU SHUT THE F**K UP MA!!!!! I WILL NOT CHOP OFF MY PENIS AND RENAME MYSELF CHRISTINA!!!!!!! YOU BITCH... SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP
-commercials
-NO ONE GIVES A DAMN IF TNN HAS POP!!!! NO ONE EVEN STUMBLES ON THE CHANNEL FOR THE OTHER 165 HOURS AND 54 MINUTES OF THE WEEK!!!!!
-Rikishi comes out. He pauses to admire the craftsmanship of the structure.
-Austin stomps out. The vest flies off faster than you can say "Goldberg Rip-Off". They start swinging on the ramp.
-Reasonerly, in a few more years, Austin will be giving Flair a run for his money in the "Jiggly Man-Boob" Department
-They fight around the ring (well, so long as you call Austin hacking away as fighting), then it went into the cage. The door was shut.
-'kishi drives his ass into Austin, in the corner. Austin starts breathing heavy. (10 months is a looooong time, kids)
-Clothesline by Austin... Rikishi tried his best to flip head over heels. Ray Bless the big ass.
-Rikshi slips out of the cage. The match does NOT END??? WHY MUST THEY ALWAYS PISS ON THE TIME HONORED RULES??? NO WONDER BRET RETIRED!!!! NO WONDER YOKO DIED!!!!!!
-Back outside, it's Austin.
-Back inside, ditto
-Ricky Girishi (What happened to him? He never recovered after starting the rumor that Hogan called Leno's band leader the "N-word") started to juice. He actually enjoys some control.
-Big Legdrop.
-You start to wonder... is this just their way of helping Austin regain his wind?
-You start to wonder... why would Hyatte ask lame ass questions like that?
-You start to wonder... at which site did Hyatte officially lose it?
-Austin starts running Rikishi's head against opposing walls. Well, Rikishi ran into them himself, but Austin actually was able to touch him once or twice.
-Stone Cold Stunner. Yeah, he won.
-It wasn't all that good... but you have to remember that this is all just to test Austin for the long run. He's still in "Warm-Up" mode.
-Austin celebrated by drinking beer at the entrance way.
-commercials
-we get to see what just happened... again.
-with the cage match finito, HHH and Kurt shove Steph in the Limo and sent her off. As soon as the coast was clear, HHH dropped the "Nice-Nice" facade and told Angle that he's "in for a looong night" (Six words... no particular order... "excess", "waxing", "Patterson", "hair", "body", "bikini")
-Backstage, Al Snow gives Lawler a stack of Chyna's Playboys as more incentive to assist him against Tazz and Rave. Lawler behaved exactly as you woyuld expect.
-In the ring, Stevie Richards actually threatened to WORK by calling out Billy Gunn.
-BG came out with Chyna and accepted the challenge... on the stip that if Richards loses, he has to actually kiss Gunn's ass.
-My Ray... (Jeeze... how gay)... Richards WORKED!!!!!
-Gunn went outside. Val Venis got involved. Chyna got involved. Val threw her towards the guard rail. Chyna came to ALMOST A COMPLETE STOP.... then moved forward again and ran into it. (Chicks... HAW... goofy broads)
-Famouser... Eddie... belt... Gunn's... face... Stevie... pin... practically... same... bit... as... 6... Marks... ago... just... more... words... eat... me.
-Chyna cradled Gunn and we got a JUICY cleavage shot. That HAD to have caused a few monkeys to be spanked somewhere in the world.
-Backstage, Mick foley told Chris Jericho that Kane had the night off, so he's have a clean match against the Rock tonight.
-In an orderly fashion, Jericho left and HHH walked in. After sharing a cheap pop by referencing Boston, then enjoying the explosion (get OVER yourselves, douchebags! The fans, not the wrestlers)... they decided that HHH gets a non-title shot against Angle... because he "wants to make Angle his bitch". Mick said he LOVED it when HHH talked dirty (oooh, think of all the SHEEP and the stories they could tell... if they were capable of speech).
-Reazzuner... Mick is awfully chummy with the man who ended his career.
-Last month, the Rock got the spotlight... in November, Steve Austin gets the "Fanatix" treatment.
-commercials
-various members of the New England Patriots are in the seats. Drew Bledsoe WOULD have been there... but he's afraid to leave the house nowadays. (He's getting ALL the blame for this season)
-We see the cage match wrap-up again.
-Rikishi is getting stitched up. Ross sez that Austin is already out of the building and on a drinking binge that would make Scott Hall say, "Damn, ease up, dude!"
-At the WWF New York. X-Pac is quietly drinking beer when he runs into Torrie. Torrie slaps him across the mush for blowing her off while she recovered from her faceli... err... shoulder surgery.
-Mick Foley walks on out.
-Mick Foley announces that he loves his job
-Mick Foley announces that HHH will fight Kurt Angle tonight and explains his rational as to why.
-Mick Foley announces that Y2J will fight the Rock and the winner gets a title shot on Smackdown.
-Mick Foley announces that this Commissioner job is a lot harder than he thought
-I suck!!
-Chris Hyatte announces that he sucks.
-Mick said that while he's not "quitting", (see, he was teasing us a little before... which I would have pointed out were I not so busy on the "suck" bit), but he decided to bring himself in an "Assistant"... a "Lieutenant Commissioner"... and... after some teasing...
-Debra came out.
-DEBRA came out.
-Debra...
-in a word... OHFERRAYSSAKE!!!!
-Oy-F-Ing-VEY!!! COULDN'T THEY FIND SOMETHING ELSE FOR HER????
-I wonder if any unaware morons made the connection that when Stevo shows up, Debra ain't far behind.
-In a related note... Mongo is still sitting at home, staring at the phone... checking it every 3 hours to make sure the bell still works.
-Backstage, E & R try to get Kurt mentally primed for HHH.
-commercials
-Kurt Angle comes out in his warm-up suit and quite befuddled.
-HHH comes out...
-The bells rings. HHH hits Angle before he can even take off his belt.
-HHH stomps Kurt in the corner...
-...elbows him off the ropes...
-... throws him out of the ring...
-... bashes him to and fro'
-...rams his crotch into the steel pole...
-... brief comeback by Angle...
-... I said BRIEF, RAYDAMMIT...
-... Pedigree's Angle through the Announce Table...
-... throws him back in the ring...
-... throws out the Ref...
-... and was disqualified...
-HHH grabs the mic, announces that he'll show the world what a REAL DQ is all about. He tries to chair Angle, but the Ref breaks it up. So, he Pedigree's the Ref and chairs Angle anyway.
-E & R CHARGE out... one gets chaired and the other gets Pedigreed.
-Jeepers Crap... he killed them. Suddenly, WCW seems fair and impartial.
-JUST WHO RUNS THIS REASONERDAMN COMPANY ANYWAY??????
-commercials
-The Dudley Boys are shown filming a commercial for the XFL, presumably.
-We see the "HHH Massacre" again.
-Ross and Lawler munch some time.
-Michael Cole gets the task of keeping a straight face as Chris Jericho and the Rock engage in a little pre-match "Dueling Promos"... if they could only include a scene where Uncle Elmer returns and makes Cole squeal like a pig and we'll REALLY be cooking.
-Jericho goes first, but succumbs to Rocky's hand... Rocky goes next and starts his little thing...
-Jericho cuts him off and goofs on his "Brahms Ass", "Unibrow", and "Just Bring It"... Jericho suggested the Rocky "Shut the Hell UP!!".
-oo, I would have CREAMED MYSELF if Jericho went nuts and said "Save the Drama fo yo Mama"... just to make Rocky's head explode.
-ah Hell... I creamed myself anyway. Jericho is a cute guy.
-Rocky brings the "It Doesn't Matter" line out from the Mothballs.
-Jericho riffs on the "If you smelllll" line.
-Rock comes back and says Jericho smells like he's cooking "one grade-A Bucket of Canadian Moose Piss" (Wow? Jericho brews Molson?) He also riffs on the "Never... eeeeeeever" line... and even tagged an "agAYNE" at the end.
-Rocky finishes up by announcing that Jericho can bring his entire backwards family with him for all the good it'll do.
-Rocky wins... but both men will be in a WORLD of crap once Burt breaks his leg.
-commercials
-Jericho comes out.
-The Rock comes out. They have 5 minutes for this.
-THUS... they waste no time.
-Rikishi is watching. His hair is streaked pink. Is it blood? Or is it a SILENT, PEACEFUL PROTEST AGAINST THIS BUSINESS'S TREATMENT OF ONE OF THE GREATS??? OF THE HITMAN??? OF BRET HART????
-oh.. right... he bled during the cage match. I damn near forgot. Nevermind.
-A lot happened while I was typing that Bret Hart nonsense... I could tell by Jericho's inhuman grunting that the Rock was getting the upper hand.
-Jericho was thrown into the guard rail
-Then clotheslined over it.
-Back in the ring, Jericho gets the Spinning Heel Kick.
-A bit later, he tried a top rope Flying Axe Handle... that resulted in a Rocky DDT.
-Rocky knocked out the Ref.
-Y2J crotched him. (White Jealousy)
-Jericho grabbed a chair and waited for Rocky to turn around. He did. He swung. He ducked. He missed. He punched. He connected. He went down. (FIGURE IT OUT, JERKWEEDS!!!!!)
-Spine Buster ON the chair. The Ref was still out.
-Walls of Jericho... Rocky grabbed the ropes as a new Ref ran out to assume duties.
-Rocky got in the Sharpshooter. ANOTHER SILENT PROTEST??? WHO SAYS THESE WORKERS DON'T STICK TOGETHER????
-well, other than damn near anyone even remotely connected to the business, that is...
-Jericho grabbed the ropes.
-As both men took a break... Rikishi stepped out and watched. Well, he whacked the Ref too.
-Jericho hit the Lionsault... The first ref woke up and made the SLOWWWW count. (Heh, Hogan would have NEVER agreed to that!)
-Rocky kicked out.
-Rocky hit the Rock Bottom.
-Rocky won.
-Rikishi stepped in and attacked Rocky... he tossed Jericho out and dropped ass on the Rock.
-Rikishi got on the mic and said that he had a confession to make. "I was the SULTAN!!! IT WAS ME, ALL ALONG!!!" (get out?? REALLY???)
-No, he really admitted to eating Jimmy Snuka. And not in the gay way either. (well, no wonder we haven't seen Superfly in a while!)
-Then he admitted that Rocky not only HANDED him the keys to the car that hit Austin, but he BEGGED Rikishi to do it. Rocky was/is up to his keister in this.
-Rikishi told Rocky that it was all on him now... and walked away. Ross was torn between believing him and believing in the Rocky's moral fiber!
And the show ends.
Austin, the Rock, HHH, and the UT... all worked... all won... almost in a squash.
Yet, in the last 30 seconds, Rikishi added a whole new layer to this Austin angle.
Decent outing. But you never know what Nitro can do. Well, actually, Nitro's been pretty damn consistent lately. Not in a positive light either.
Well, I'll get that up in a few hours. Just sit there and be amazed that I got this thing in before 4:30 on a friggin' TUESDAY!!!!
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